The 20-Want List: A Powerful Tool! (For Dealing with Narcissists in Negotiations & Custody Battles)

The Power to Stop Problems with a Narcissistic Co-Parent *

Lists & Leverage

• Are you using strategies or scrambling?
• Are you leading your lawyer with lists and leverage?
• How are you keeping yourself organized in this mess?

Our Focus Matters as Moms Dealing with a Narcissist

We need to focus more on the solutions than all the problems that the narcissist causes and the drama they create, which is designed to throw everyone off emotionally. This is why we need to draft an ordered, numbered, clear list of what we want/need in this co-parenting situation (For example, a court-ordered and approved co-parenting app, set days of a parenting schedule, a solid, rotating holiday schedule, reimbursement of the child’s expenses done within 30 days or an interest penalty applied and more). When we are bogged down with problems, we can’t find solutions. 

We need to sit down and think about what our children need now and in the future. Then, we search for the words of something to ask for—that gives it a voice and structure. For each and every problem that we encounter, we can use wisdom and create a coinciding solution that we then ask for at mediation, negotiations, conciliation, hearings, a judge, or in a summary for judgment after a trial. By making this list in advance, we keep professionals focused and on track. Listing things can help us remain child-focused, and this helps others view us as the healthier parent, and we don’t get lumped in as a high-conflict party. When we lead with what we want rather than our emotional rantings and list of complaints that we have about what the narcissist is doing or not doing—we stand a chance at getting solutions implemented.

Survivor-Tip: Know what you want and need when dealing with a narcissist as a co-parent!

If we make lists for grocery shopping, we must also be making lists for something as important as our custody case! With a well-thought-out list of our 20-Wants, we harness the power to stop and fix the problems that we encounter with the narcissist.

Need more ideas, guidance, and help? 

Use my "20-Wants Tool" to get you focused.

*DISCLAIMER: These are helpful tips based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. Therefore, she cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case—to see if these tips could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary, and some of these will not be applicable to your circumstance. 

Furthermore, court orders may dictate otherwise. Please use your own good judgment when watching this video or reading this document. This is for personal Self-Help only. These were created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any laws or rules of the courts. This is copyright-protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.

Let me ask you . . .

Do you know what you want and need the judge to order in your child-custody case to stop the problems, hassles, and headaches with a narcissist?